I’m bleeding out to turn my girlfriend human again. Worth it.

The skeleton on my couch laughed again.

 

I clamped a towel around my wrist and pressed hard enough to stop the blood from dripping on the floor. All while trying to ignore that slurping sound coming from this metal thing. I looked out from the bathroom door. Had to hold on to the doorframe and left a smear of blood.

 

She’s still there. Sprawled on my couch, on her side, hugging a pillow. Watching The Big Bang Theory reruns on my TV. Like she owns the place. Tch. She’s still a skeleton. The bones of her jaw clack together every time Sheldon says something stupid.

 

God, look at the mess she made all over my floor! Strips of flesh and pools of blood. They’re staining the fabric of my poor couch. There are even clusters of her hair plastered on the tiles like a mass of thin worms. Disgusting. And it smells like a butcher shop mixed with some cheap perfume in here.

 

Whatever. I’ll tell her to clean it all up later, when she shifts back. Damn, you should see her. She’s an absolute ten. Well, not right now, but soon. As soon as this little metal shit is done with my blood. She’s going to turn back to how she was before and we’re going to have mind-blowing sex. I deserve it.

 

The problem is, this thing must be bugged or something. The screen has been stuck at 0% and isn’t moving at all. But it’s been sucking my blood, so I don’t understand. Could it be a graphics bug? Earlier it had jumped from 0 to 100 in a second. Maybe it’s going to do it again.

 

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. What is this guy talking about? Don’t worry, I’m not crazy. I just think I’ve found a glitch in the matrix. And I’m not dreaming. I need you guys to understand the situation, so maybe one of you actually knows how to reboot this thing without losing my reward.

 

So, today was my 29th birthday. Woke up late – when Kaoru started barking at a bird outside the window. I told her to be quiet and was about to go back to sleep when I noticed a notification on my phone. A WhatsApp message.

 

“Happy birthday, Ricky! Love, Mom.”

 

I smiled. Mom is great – she always remembers. She’s a classic. Not like those modern women out there with their fake lips and their… careers. She knows I’m a too nice guy trapped in a shitty world. I put the phone aside and sat up, patting Kaoru’s head as she came closer.

 

“Yeah, you’re hungry, I know. Give me a second, girl.”

 

The sun coming through the window highlighted the greasy fingerprints smeared on the glass. Right – that shit had been there since yesterday morning when I checked if the neighbour’s daughter was tanning on their balcony. The sheets were yellowed beneath my legs. My t-shirt was a grey rag darkening at the underarms. As I peeled it off like a second skin, I caught a whiff of my bedroom. Smelled like a gym in here. I didn’t care. I liked it. The scent of a male who refused to follow the hive mind. A real man.

 

Nobody else but Mom bothered. Not even Paul, my best friend. Former best friend. Whatever. I checked Facebook on my phone while taking a shit and saw a post from him. A picture of him in a swimsuit at some expensive resort, arms wrapped around a blonde girl in a bikini. Showing off his ripped abs. I almost crushed the phone in my hand. That was exactly why I cut ties with him and the rest of the gang.

 

All of them had one. All of them had paired off with hot girlfriends. Except for Jason, who dragged a boyfriend to the steakhouse last time we hung out. What a waste of a good seat. I was the only single guy left at the table, sitting there while they talked about Valentine’s gifts and couples’ vacations.

 

They acted like it was a personality issue. Told me I needed to put myself out there more. Bullshit. Everybody knows. I work in a miserable office at a shitty company and my paycheck barely covers rent. I stand 5’4’’ in my boots. And women only go after the top – the tall and rich gigachads and their shiny six-figure cars. A normie like me, decent and intelligent, stands no chance in the dating market. I wished women had traditional values – like Mom.

 

That evening I booted up my PC and queued into a ranked match of CoD. They reported me for typing in the chat. Called me racist. God, I carried the entire team and they reported me because I got angry at some kids cheating with aimbots. Ok, dudes, stay bad. My stomach growled and I checked the time. 11 PM. Time really flies when you’re having fun, huh?

 

Kaoru started barking under the desk. Her usual high-pitched yap.

 

“You just ate. Shut up.” I slammed my foot down, making the desk shake and my empty Coke cans rattle.

 

Then the doorbell rang. Right – forgot my dog has better ears than mine. I shoved my chair back and stomped down the hall. Who could it be at this hour, if not that Dave guy from next door? Last time he knocked to complain about my pro-gaming sessions and then said my flat smelled like unwashed socks. I told him his breath smelled like his grandma’s farts instead.

 

I yanked the door open, ready to scream at him to go back to his microwave dinner. The scowl on my face evaporated a moment later. There was no stupid Dave. This was a girl, standing on my doormat and shivering in the hallway. Younger than me, maybe not even 20. Big green eyes, a tight shirt that clung to a heavy chest. Her skin pale but flawless.

 

She shifted her weight, hugging her purse to her stomach.

 

“Excuse me,” she said with a smile. “I am so sorry to bother you.” She had a thick accent. Eastern European, I think.

 

I froze in the doorway. My brain was short-circuiting. I had to force my eyes up to her face, hardly keeping them off the opening of her shirt. Damn. Women like this didn’t knock on my door, ever.

 

“I am a tourist. On holiday,” she continued with such a cute voice. “My phone battery died and I don’t know the way back. Please, can I use a wall plug? Just for five minutes, please.”

 

“Yeah,” I answered after clearing my throat. I didn’t actually hear much of what she said, but whatever. I deepened my voice and put on my manliest tone. “Yeah, sure. Come in.”

 

I stepped aside. I puffed my chest out, belly in. She walked past me, looking around. She avoided eye contact. The air that came in with her was sweet and floral. She followed me into the kitchen and I pointed at the counter, right next to the fridge.

 

“You can use that one.”

 

She moved one small step after another, hugging the wall. That purse would’ve been screaming if it could, from how she was literally strangling it against her chest. Her eyes never reached above my neck, preferring to inspect the tiles and the rug. When I moved past her, her shoulders jumped up. Oh, right. She must’ve been a shy one.

 

She pulled a pink iPhone from her purse and plugged it into the wall. Leaning against the counter, ankles crossed. Silence followed, broken by a cough from her and the buzzing of my fridge. I leaned on the counter next to her, crossing my arms. I stared at her, striking my best dominant posture.

 

“So.” I smirked, moving a step closer. “You traveling alone? It’s dangerous for a girl to walk around this late with no protection. Boyfriend didn’t come?”

 

She swallowed and kept her eyes down on her purse. “No boyfriend.”

 

No boyfriend. She said no boyfriend. Jackpot!

 

“That’s crazy, a beautiful girl like you.” I scoffed, shaking my head. “If you were mine, I wouldn’t let you wander around a foreign country by yourself. I’d take care of you like a princess.”

 

She hugged her elbows tighter. She gave me a smile that died a second later. Her shirt sleeves had pulled up just enough to let me catch sight of her wrists. What?

 

Scars. Those were scars. Thick, whitened, like ropes. They overlapped across the pale skin, looking like animal scratches or bites. But so deep and rough they didn’t look accidental at all. I blinked and my eyes went to the counter. Her phone screen lit up. The battery icon flashed green. 52%.

 

I think my brain took a picture of that. Wait. 52%? That should’ve probably been a signal. Or what they called it – a red flag. I guess the flood of pure testosterone drowned all the logic in my head. So…

 

She had knocked on my door. Lied to get in here. No boyfriend. Probably suicidal, judging from those scars. And now she stood in my kitchen. It was obvious. I was going to lose my virginity tonight!

 

“You want a beer? Slice of cake maybe?” I took another step towards her, dropping my voice even more. “Are you staying at a hotel? I know this city like the back of my hand. Could show you around. Give you a private tour. We can go right now if you want.”

 

Her back hit the kitchen stove. Her knuckles tightened around the purse. She sidestepped and ripped the charger from the wall, shoving the phone into her purse without taking the cable out first.

 

“I must go,” she said, dodging me, almost as if careful not to brush against me. “Thank you very much. You are too kind.”

 

She sprinted down the hall. I stared as she grabbed the doorknob and rushed out. “Have a good night!” she said, disappearing behind the door.

 

I stood by the fridge, my jaw half-open. She didn’t even give me time to reply before the door slammed shut.

 

“Tch,” I spat, shaking my head.

 

So typical. Why did I insist on being such a nice guy when even these lost and broken ones thought they were too good for me? You’re welcome, bitch. I walked back into the living room and was ready to drop into my chair again and queue up for another match. But I stepped on something hard. A phone?

 

She dropped her phone. That ungrateful bitch rushed so fast to get out of here that she didn’t even notice she dropped it – no, wait. This was black metal. Hers was pink. When I picked it up, I noticed immediately it wasn’t a normal phone. It was heavy. Too heavy, like a brick. It had no camera lens, no logo. Not even a button to turn it on? It was literally just a black block of metal.

 

I went to the door, yanked it open, and leaned out into the hallway to call her. But it was empty. No footsteps in the distance. The street outside was dark and silent. She was gone. I closed the door and locked it. I couldn’t take my eyes off that thing. It must’ve weighed at least five times a normal iPhone. Its edges were sharp. And cold.

 

As I walked back to the kitchen, I turned it over in my hands. What the hell was this thing? Oh, maybe a fake phone in case she got robbed. But who would fall for it? It was way too heavy. Too dense, like made entirely of lead. Whatever. Probably just some shitty prank. Yes, that made sense.

 

I tossed it onto the table. The thud it made sounded like a hammer hitting an anvil. Kaoru trotted after me, her nails clicking against the floor, just as I opened the fridge. The light illuminated the sadness of the void inside. An open can of tuna, there since… who knew how long. Some slices of cheese curling and hardening at the edges. God, pathetic. I groaned, rubbing my eyes. My birthday dinner was going to be another shitty sandwich.

 

See, this is exactly what’s wrong with the modern world.

 

If I had a wife, there’d be a good home-cooked meal waiting for me every day. Maybe a nice steak or a plate of spaghetti. They wouldn’t taste as good as Mom’s, but the important thing is the principle. Mom never let the fridge get this empty. With an elbow on the fridge door, I looked down at my dog. She stared up at me with those eyes, tail wiggling.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Hold on, girl,” I said.

 

I slammed the fridge shut and grabbed the bag of cheap dog food from the pantry. She dug into it immediately, not even giving me time to fill the bowl. Crunching loudly and ignoring me.

 

My stomach let out another growl that sounded like the engine of my old car. My phone read 11:40 PM. Too late to order something. Maybe some places were still delivering at this hour, but they’d probably charge a ridiculous late-night fee. Screw them.

 

“Fuck,” I said with a sigh, leaning against the fridge. “I wish I had ordered a pizza earlier.”

 

The moment the words left my mouth, Kaoru stopped chewing and rushed to the living room. The hair on her back stood up, like a cat. I had no idea dogs could do that too. She started barking at the front door. But this was an aggressive bark. Not her usual yap.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” I yelled. “Shut up!”

 

She got scared when I stomped my foot. Then the doorbell rang and I froze.

 

Oh. A smirk slowly spread across my lips, because I knew exactly who it was. Oh, I knew it. Bitch must’ve been so scared out there, alone in the dark. She realized how lost she was, surrounded by creeps, and decided to do the only rational thing: come crawling back to the only nice, alpha man who had welcomed her.

 

Well – this time, she wasn’t getting a free charge. She wanted my help? I was going to make her beg for it. And give me something in exchange. I puffed out my chest and adjusted my shirt before marching to the door. I yanked it open, already seeing myself delivering a killer line, but I couldn’t speak a word. My smirk vanished.

 

Who was this? A guy in his twenties, wearing a ridiculous hoodie and a cringe hat. He looked like the most bored person in the world. And he was holding a large pizza box. I blinked.

 

“Pizza delivery for Roderick,” the guy said. He was chewing gum with an open mouth.

 

“Wait, what? I didn’t order any pizza,” I said. I eyed him from head to toe. The guy wasn’t wearing any uniform. DoorDash or UberEats, nothing. Just that shitty hoodie and hat.

 

“Are you Roderick?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Look, man, the ticket here says Roderick, and it’s already paid for. I even got a fat tip. If you don’t want it, I’ll take it back and eat it myself. I don’t give a shit. You want it or not?”

 

The smell coming from the box was intoxicating. Cheese, tomato, spicy meat and garlic. It made my stomach growl once more.

 

“Yeah, fine. Give it here,” I said, snatching the box from his hands.

 

The guy turned around and, without another word, walked down the hall and disappeared into the dark outside. The heat soaked through the cardboard on my palms.

 

I locked the door and carried the box to the kitchen table, setting it next to that weird fake-phone. Just then I noticed: the box had no logo. No Domino’s or Pizza Hut or even a random place. It was blank. Plain white cardboard and nothing else. I opened the lid and… holy shit.

 

I’m not joking when I say that was a piece of art. The best-looking pizza I’d ever seen in my whole life. The cheese was perfectly melted and golden, and the meat was curled up and pooling with savoury grease. And the smell. Oh God. I couldn’t help myself – I grabbed a slice, folded it and took a huge bite.

 

Jesus. It was amazing. The crust was crunchy, but not too much. The sauce was an explosion of flavour – this was literally the best thing I’d ever eaten. I was confused, very confused, sure. But damn. Who ordered this for me? Mom? Must’ve been Mom. I loved her even more. For once, I was eating like a king.

 

A noise snapped me out of the food-gasm. A loud buzz that made the entire table vibrate. Sounded like a giant insect. Kaoru had followed me, attracted by the insane smell of the pizza. She started growling low in her throat.

 

I glanced past the pizza box. That metal thing was vibrating, loud, hard. Like a real phone receiving an incoming call. Kaoru barked once before I shut her up, wiping my fingers on my pants. I picked that thing up and stared at the black screen.

 

“How the hell do I answer this?” I muttered to myself. There were no buttons, nothing.

 

Before I had time to turn it over, searching for any hidden stuff I could click, something came out of the bottom, right where the charging port should have been. Two long and sharp pieces of white metal, like diamond fangs. Translucent, glistening under the kitchen light. I was about to drop the thing, but it… moved. It fucking moved on its own. It lunged forward like a snake and sank those fangs straight into my wrist.

 

“Fuck!” I shrieked, jumping back.

 

I shook my arm in panic, trying to fling that thing off me. It hurt! The pain was agonizing, like somebody was slicing my wrist off with a burning knife. My veins grew and pulsed. Kaoru was going crazy – ears folded back, barking furiously and biting the air as she backed away.

 

“Get off me! Get the fuck off! Help!”

 

The little shit didn’t loosen its grip, not even when I grabbed it and tried to rip it away. First, the black screen lit up. Something appeared on it beneath the metal, glowing white, way too bright. In the centre, it read: 0%.

 

And after that came the sound. A wet, disgusting slurping noise. Sounded like somebody sucking the last bit of a drink through a straw, but coming from inside that thing. I stared in horror, paling as my veins bulged against my wrist.

 

A second later, the number jumped to 100% and the screen changed. Two lines of strange text took its place, flashing green for a couple of seconds before disappearing.

 

“PŁATNOŚĆ ZAKOŃCZONA

MIŁEJ ZABAWY!”

 

The diamond fangs retracted and vanished inside, leaving a thin line of blood on my palm. The fake-phone dropped and hit the tiles, clattering loudly. The screen dimmed and then went pitch black.

 

I stood there panting, clutching my wrist. Now, two deep puncture wounds welled with blood.

 

“What the fuck?!” I said, gasping for air, my heart hammering so fast I thought I was about to faint. Kaoru was still barking hysterically.

 

“Jesus Christ, Kaoru, shut up! Sh-shut the fuck up!” I was crying.

 

I glared at that piece of black metal on the floor. I raised my foot and stomped on it with all my weight. Once. Then again, and again, and again. Nothing happened. Not even a scratch. I paced the kitchen, digging my fingers into my hair and pulling hard. A hammer! I needed a hammer to smash it into pieces. I had to remember where I’d put it last time.

 

This fucking thing did something to me. What if it gave me AIDS or some shit? I needed to…

 

Wait. My legs stopped dead. I looked at the wound on my wrist, then at the pizza, still in the box. That box with no logo or anything. My heart was beating even faster and my breathing intensified. Somehow, the dots began to connect in my mind, forming a weird picture. The absurdity of the situation crushed me, but still – the evidence was sitting right there on my table, smelling and tasting like the food of the gods.

 

I moved carefully. I knelt down and reached out with the tips of my fingers, terrified that it could lunge at me again. I touched it. But nothing happened. The thing was no longer moving or buzzing. I picked it up again, feeling the coldness and the heaviness in my palm. I looked at the pizza once more, then at the black screen.

 

“Could it…” I whispered to myself. “Could it be…”

 

I didn’t know if this was a dream. It probably was. But in dreams you never questioned the reality of what happened, right? So, I cleared my throat, then I licked my lips. I couldn’t help it. If I really was sleeping, then I had to do it and I had to be quick, before I woke up.

 

With the deepest tone I could muster, I said: “I wish I had a girlfriend. An absolute ten! A super-hot girlfriend who does everything I want and worships the ground I walk on.”

 

I held my breath as I stared at the reflection of my face in the black screen. I was smirking. My hand was shaking. Don’t know how long I waited there, until Kaoru ran to the door and started barking at it again. And again, the doorbell rang.

 

I stopped breathing entirely. I think my heart also stopped beating. I can’t remember. My jaw dropped open. Holy shit. Was it really…

 

I almost stumbled over my own feet when I hurried down the hallway, trying to ignore the pain in my wrist. As soon as I unlocked the door, she rushed in. No, not Kaoru; she just whined, ears back and head down, backing away.

 

A girl – she lunged, throwing her arms around my neck and smashing her lips against mine. Her tongue wrestled with mine, feeling so hot and eager. She pushed me back into the hallway and kicked the door shut behind her with her heel.

 

“Finally!” she whispered after breaking the kiss. Her voice was breathless. “I finally found you, Ricky. I’ve been looking for you for sooo long. I’ve always been in love with you. I want to stay with you forever. I’m yours.”

 

My fingers were shaking. I wanted to speak, but everything that came out was a pathetic grunt.

 

She was a literal goddess. Long, flowing hair, blonde. Blue eyes and a pair of lips plump and glistening. In a black dress, so tight it left nothing to the imagination. Massive breasts, so round, and bouncing with every movement. She grabbed my hands and – oh God – forced them up until she pressed my palms deep against her melons.

 

I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even think. Such a sensory overload. The smell of her skin and the feeling of her flesh under my hands. This had to be a dream, and in that moment I was praying to God to never let me wake up. When she ground her hips against my pants – that was too much.

 

I lost control. I tried to say something – I wanted to tell her I had to rush to the bathroom or something, anything – I didn’t care. But my voice broke with a high-pitched gasp and a loud moan. For a second I lost my balance, my legs weakening. A sudden, intense pleasure exploded. It flooded my underwear before we even made to the couch.

 

My face must’ve been all red. I thought she was going to laugh at me. I had ruined a perfect opportunity. But she said nothing. She didn’t seem to care. She just smiled – a naughty, seductive smile. The bitch grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and slammed me on the couch.

 

“Let’s take these off, baby,” she said, already unbuttoning my shirt.

 

If that thing hadn’t started vibrating in my hand, I wouldn’t have remembered it. Right. I was still holding it.

 

“Bzzz. Bzzz.”

 

As she ripped my shirt off, I glanced at the black screen. I knew what it wanted. And I was going to give it – but later. I was literally seconds away from losing my virginity, after 29 fucking years of misery. I was about to get naked with the hottest bitch on the planet. This little shit could wait. I snapped and tossed the fake-phone onto the floor.

 

I leaned in to kiss her, my hands running all over her back. So frantic. It was then that Kaoru let out a terrified whine and scrambled to the bedroom. Her nails scratched the tiles as she went to hide under the bed. The buzzing grew louder, and louder. And louder. Then the static hit me.

 

First, it was a whistle born deep in my brain; a second later, it exploded into an agonizing screech. Felt like somebody had shoved a giant wasp inside my skull and its wings were bouncing against the bone, multiplying into millions of echoes. I yelled in pain and clutched my head, falling from the couch.

 

“Okay! Okay! I got it! Stop, please,” I cried.

 

I crawled until I reached the fake-phone, my knees rubbing against the cold tiles. As soon as I picked it up, kneeling there in my wet underwear, the diamond fangs instantly shot out and lunged at my wrist once more. This time, they dug deeper. I moaned in pain, gritting my teeth.

 

The screen lit up. The number returned. 0%.

 

“Ricky, baby, come back,” the girl said, her voice coated in honey. “Come make me yours. I need to feel a real man inside me.”

 

“Yes!” I yelled back. “I’m here – just a second, my love.”

 

“Come on,” I thought. “Hurry up, you fucking – whatever you are. Hurry up. Take my blood. Let’s go.”

 

The slurping sounds were louder this time. And hungrier. Blood began to leak from around the wound and drip down my forearm. It fell and pooled on the floor. I counted to ten, then to twenty, then to thirty. 0%, still.

 

I looked at the mess I was making down there. So I stood up, and my head swam for a second. The bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and grabbed a towel from the rack, then wrapped it around my arm to catch the blood.

 

“Come on, you idiot,” I whispered at the screen. “Hurry up! She’s waiting for me!”

 

0%.

 

“Oh,” she said, standing in the bathroom doorway. She’d taken that dress off and was now standing there in her lingerie. Her body was such a masterpiece of curves. “You poor thing.” Her face turned sad.

 

“Don’t worry, love,” I said, forcing a smile through the agony. “One minute and I’m done with this. Why don’t you start taking the rest of that off, huh?”

 

Holding the towel tight, I waited for her to unhook her bra. But she didn’t. She stood there and smiled. Until her smile began to slide. And I mean – literally.

 

The skin of her cheeks was the first to droop. It melted off her bones like wax off a candle.

 

“What the–” I took a step back.

 

Her face was melting. It was fucking melting. The flesh bubbled and slid off her skull, falling in heavy globs. Then her eyeballs fell out of their sockets, dangling for a moment by a thin nerve before they snapped and rolled under the sink with a wet sound. I wanted to scream, but my throat was paralyzed.

 

Her majestic breasts followed. They ruptured, the skin split like pages torn from a book; yellow liquid mixed with the muscle fibres beneath and collapsed in a river of blood. Her meat piled up between her feet. Her arms and legs followed, with long strips of skin and flesh peeling away from the bone.

 

Then came the organs. Intestines breached her stomach and flopped out in a coiled mess of wet, sticky tubes, splashing blood all over my floor. Lungs, heart, and other organs came last.

 

Everything that was left was a blood-slicked skeleton, still wearing leftovers of veins and shredded muscle. I expected her bones to fall. But she stood there. The skeleton shifted her weight, then her jaw opened and closed, clacking. Her sexy voice came from her empty ribcage.

 

“The bigger the wish, the higher the price,” she said. “You should’ve known, Ricky.”

 

She turned around, her bones snapping and clicking with each step. She walked back into the living room to sit on my couch. She grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.

 

Which… brings me back to now.

 

I’ve been sitting here on the bathroom floor for half an hour, my back against the tub. I’m typing this post on my normal phone with just one hand, because the other one is still… busy. The thing is still sucking my blood. I tightened the towel, but it’s all soaked. And I’m starting to feel dizzy.

 

My sight keeps blurring and I’m struggling to stay awake. Typing is getting harder and harder. My fingers feel so heavy and it’s cold in here. I’m freezing. My teeth are chattering. My heart is beating way too fast.

 

And this fucking thing is still on 0%. Must be bugged. Please, if anybody knows how to fix it – please, please… tell me.

 

Oh, wait!

 

Wait. The screen just blinked – it changed. Yes! Oh my God, yes! The number changed – it says 1% now! So it fixed itself, or I must’ve managed to reboot it. I’m laughing. I’m genuinely laughing, even though I feel so weak I can’t even stand up. It started working, finally! I just have to wait a couple of seconds more.

 

Hold on, there’s a tiny icon there, at the top of the screen. I hadn’t noticed it before. It’s right above the number. I just tapped it with my thumb. The screen changed. It flashed and now there’s some weird text again. Let me copy-paste it:

 

ILOŚĆ ZAPŁACONA: 0.33 galony

ILOŚĆ POZOSTAŁA: 33.25 galony

 

What the hell does that mean? What language is even that? Oh, wait – “galony?” I recognize that word. It sounds like gallons. Oh God. Right. I got it. Must be the amount of blood it wants.

 

My hands are shaking so badly I almost drop my phone. It’s cold.

 

Guys, please answer me, quick. Does anybody know how many gallons of blood a human body has?