I learned the true meaning of ennui

I opened my eyes. My alarm clock was ringing. It was six o’clock.  I wanted to smash it with a hammer. I didn’t. I turned it off gently. A new alarm clock wasn’t on the budget this month. 

Had to get up. Get up and go to work. Get paid. Pay rent. Buy groceries. 

Get up, Nick! Get up! Sit up in bed. That’s the first step. I groaned in protest as I forced myself up. Falling back on my pillow was so tempting but I had to get to work. Get paid. Make money. 

I looked around my empty bedroom. I live alone. I don’t have anyone beside me at night to cuddle with and shag. I sighed. Then I got off the bed, put on my slippers, and got into my morning routine. I brushed my teeth, shaved, took a shower, jacked off while singing in the shower, got dressed, checked myself in the mirror, my brain reminding me that I’m twenty-eight, I should get a wife and kids to give meaning to this crappy life. Then it reminded me that I’m a picky neckbeard and I’m only attracted to girls out of my league. Second sigh of the morning. 

I made a strong cup of coffee, like I always do. Coffee is the only thing I splurge on for quality. Downed the coffee while scrolling Tiktok. One of those things rots your brain, the other gives it a boost. They balance each other out, I think. My algorithm showed me politicians from the left and right moving further away from each other, an excited influencer talking about a website where I’d get paid to watch videos, a girl half my size eating in one sitting what I eat in two days, and a hot babe lip syncing the lyrics of some song I don’t give it shit about. So, the usual. I gave the hot babe a like. 

I locked my apartment then walked to the elevator. I smiled for the first time this morning as the doors closed without me seeing any of my neighbors. I don’t dislike any of them but other than the occasional greeting I rarely interact with them. I’m cool with that. Third sigh of the morning as I get in my car. No real weariness behind this one, just an acknowledgement that it’s really happening, I’m going to work. 

My commute is almost thirty minutes. I turned the volume up and played EDM. 

By the time I got to the office I felt like I had enough energy to go through the slog. 

I can do this. 

Unlike my neighbors, I see my colleagues every work day, so I go out of my way to greet every single one of them. Don’t want a reputation as the cold, unapproachable guy. High-fives, fist bumps, and a bit of small talk here and there, and the brightest, toothiest smile of the day for Elaine, the hottest girl in the company. And tall. Taller than me. She’s really nice. And single.  I heard that through the grapevine. Some of the guys have tried to change that about her and failed. Hard to get that one.

She’s out of my league, but seeing her makes walking into my tiny cubicle five days a week more tolerable. 

I could do this job one hundred percent remotely. Unfortunately, the CEO feels that all workers should be here because “separation affects cooperation”. Douchebag. I’m done with all my tasks five hours in. What to do with the remaining three? I could ponder the meaning of life, if there is one, or I could use my superpower.  As always, I chose the superpower. I can count seconds with incredible accuracy. It doesn’t matter how many hours. Yes, I’m that bored. One o’clock to four o’clock.  Three hours. Ten thousand eight hundred seconds. I stared at my monitor and without really seeing it, I started counting. 

I was fully focused. My mind clear of all stray thoughts, like I was meditating. My concentration was high but I could still hear some of the noise from around the office. I was too focused on counting to make out distinct words. 

I’ve often wondered what I look like when I’m counting. My colleagues surely see me when they pass by. Do I look like an office zombie, staring deadeyed at his computer? I’m sure they would understand if I did. Or do I look like a normal guy, focused on his work? I hope it’s the latter. Don’t want them to think I’m burned out. 

My eyes refocused when I got to ten thousand eight hundred. The monitor read exactly four o’clock. Of course it did. My superpower is never wrong. I picked up my bag and headed out. There was a rush for the elevators. We all wanted to get home and put our feet up. Elaine and I only just missed the first one when the doors closed. Then we stood in awkward silence as we waited. I looked at her. She looked at me.  Then we both looked away smiling. I wanted to start a conversation but I wasn’t sure how. It had to be organic and not feel like I was coming on to her. 

I had daydreamed of this exact situation many times at home, always after a similar event had occurred at work. Daydream Nick is a lot more confident than real life Nick. Like the time we ended up alone in the breakroom. Other than acknowledging each other’s presence, neither of us said anything. Hours later at home, I would agonize about how I should have said something, like complimenting her sneakers. Daydream Elaine would smile and thank me. Then I’d ask if I could try them. She’d look confused for a moment then agree. We’d cackle like hyenas when they fit me. I don’t know if they would’ve fit me but it was convenient for the daydream. I’d ask her what else she was wearing that could fit me, she’d suggest her bra and the conclusion is the one you’d expect from a man fantasizing alone in his apartment. 

The elevator doors opened before I could say anything. The moment was gone. 

I dropped my bag on the floor when I got home, took two beers from the fridge and collapsed on the couch. 

A day just like most others. Barely distinguishable from many. 

Day 2

I opened my eyes. My alarm clock was ringing. I groggily turned my head to look at it.  It was six o’clock. I wanted to pick it up and smash it against the wall. I didn’t. I turned it off gently. I couldn’t afford a new one. 

Same shit, different day, I thought. 

I sat up, scratched my chin, and looked around my empty bedroom. Why did I have to go to work again? Oh yeah, bills. 

I jacked off with my left hand today. Spice things up. 

I noticed the first sign that something was wrong when I drank my morning coffee watching Tiktok. The videos were the same as the ones I’d seen yesterday. Exactly the same.  Even the babe. My calendar read: Thursday 12 2026. That was yesterday. Was this a glitch in the matrix? It had been a while since I’d been on reddit. It looked like I had a story to tell. 

The hallway was empty, just like yesterday, and so was the elevator. I saw a homeless guy pulling a trolley full of junk while driving to work. I was sure I hadn’t seen him yesterday. A few of my colleagues were also in similar positions to when I had first seen them yesterday, but the majority weren’t. And just when I was starting to relax, I saw that all my tasks were exactly the same as the day before. 

I completed them ninety minutes earlier. I had done them already. Now I had four hours and thirty minutes to twiddle my thumbs. I took an extra long lunch then trudged back to my cubicle to count the seconds. Browsing the internet on company time is extremely frowned upon here. I can’t afford to lose this job so I literally have nothing else to do. 

Day 3

I opened my eyes.  My alarm clock was ringing. I gently turned it off. Then I went straight to my phone. 

Date: Thursday 12 2026.

I froze. What the hell was happening? Was I being punked? Could this be a very complex prank? I looked around my bedroom. There was no one else but me. I searched the bathroom.  Empty. Then the living room and kitchen. Also empty. 

The Tiktok videos on my ‘for you’ page were also the same. I checked the comments on the babe’s video.  The ‘First!’ comment was only two hours old. This wasn’t a glitch in the matrix, this was Groundhog Day.

I laughed nervously and shook my head. It’s so human to think you’re special and everyone else is an NPC. There had to be another explanation. There just had to be. The whole universe couldn’t go backwards just for me. 

I sat down on my couch and went to the babe’s profile. She was so freaking hot. She made Elaine look like chopped liver. Her most popular video had over thirty million likes. I clicked it. She did everything possible to walk on the line without actually crossing it. Nothing that would get her banned, but very, very close. I saw a bit of ass, a bit of titty, and a lot of skin. Gave her a like. I wanted to like it twice. 

Good lord!

Anyway, I saw the homeless guy again. But this time in a different place. My colleagues were also in different places. My heart sank when I saw my tasks for the day. Exactly the same. I couldn’t deny it any longer, I was reliving the same day over and over again. 

Was I the only one? Or were there others like me around the world?

Days 4,5,6

I’ve watched all of them. My neighbors, the homeless guy, random people on the street, my colleagues.  They all act exactly the same with no variation unless they interact with me. I’m the only one who can act differently. The reason they’re not always in the same place is because I don’t always see them at the exact same time. 

I’m stuck in a time loop and I don’t know how to get out. 

Day 7

I’m not going to work today. I’m going to binge on alcohol and caffeine and numb my brain with Youtube, Tiktok, and Netflix all day.

Day 8 

Not doing that again. I was drunk and hyper caffeinated by the end of the day. I wanted to sleep and not sleep at the same time.  Add all the mind-numbing content that I watched and I felt like my brain was vibrating while I stared wide-eyed at the ceiling. 

On the bright side, no hangover. I keep the memories but somehow my body rejuvenates.

Day 9

Still not going to work.  What’s the point? 

I got an idea last night before I fell asleep. I’ve never been in a fight. Might as well start one if my body will be fully healed by morning. I want to beat the shit out of a guy my size or bigger. 

Intrusive thoughts are stronger when you have endless time and no consequences. 

Day 10

I cried like a baby.  He pinned me to the ground and punched me again and again in the head. Worst day of my life. 

I wish I could erase that memory. 

Day 11

I went back to work.  Thought I might as well try my luck with Elaine since there would be no repercussions. 

Like the first day, we both just missed the first elevator.  I had timed it just right. 

“Hey,” I said, looking at her and maintaining eye contact unlike before. 

“Hey,” she replied, smiling at me. 

“You doing anything tonight?”

Her brow furrowed. She looked uncomfortable. I couldn’t tell if it was because she wasn’t brave enough to bluntly tell me not to try or if she didn’t like being hit on.

“Yeah,” she replied. “I have stuff I have to do.”

“Like what? Maybe I can help.”

“No. Uhm, I’m busy.”

Day 12

“I’d like to take you to dinner tonight?”

“No.”

Day 13

“A movie?”

“No.”

Days 14

“A concert?”

“No.”

Day 15

“Basketball game?”

“No.”

Day 16

“Hockey?”

“No.”

Day 17

“Strip club?”

She laughed then said, “No.”

Day 18

“Would you ever go out with a colleague?”

She looked at me nervously and shook her head. 

Day 19

That sucked.

Day 20

Everyone keeps doing the same thing. They’re like ghosts. This is not fun. 

Day 21

I’m not special. My IQ is just about average. The whole universe can’t go backwards just for me. Makes more sense to think some dumbass from the future has forgotten one of his simulations and it’s stuck on repeat. 

Day 22

I did a bit of research. Apparently, time is just an illusion. There is no arrow of time. The past, present, and future all exist simultaneously. 

Fuck science. 

I want to restart the illusion.

Day 23

I went on askreddit and told them my story. I asked everyone who’s also aware of the time loop to just reply with my birth year (1998) when I post the same story tomorrow. 

Day 24

Same replies as yesterday. Not a single 1998.

Day 26

What is happening?

Is this hell?

Day 39

I’ve decided to stop wallowing in my own misery. This can still be fun. 

I need to get laid. 

I’ve never had the greatest luck with women, but if I approach ten women a day. I’m sure I could get laid at least once a week. 

Day 139

I hate women. I hate them with a passion. 

I went after a thousand women in the last hundred days and got laid only six times!

Six!

Day 169

Okay. I’ve had a few weeks to think about it. Six isn’t all that bad. I mean, all the women I went after were all very beautiful, and some of them didn’t outright reject me, they just weren’t interested in a one night stand. 

Six is actually pretty good, considering. And the best thing is, I know exactly how to approach Megan, Sharon, Maria, Nelly, Kirsten, and Rachel to get lucky. 

Why would I feel lonely when I could be in the company of beautiful women who will love me and let me love them?

Day 220

Wham! Bam! Thank you mam!

Day 435

Megan is my favorite. 

Day 618

I’m so bored. I’m not interested in them anymore. 

Day 622

I stayed awake all night. I thought if I was still awake when my alarm clock rang then it would be Friday. 

I don’t know how it happened. Just after four o’clock, I blinked and my body rejuvenated and it was Thursday morning. 

Day 651

I killed Megan last night. I just strangled her after she fell asleep. Don’t know why I did it. I just did. 

Day 708

Do I count as a serial killer? I’ve killed those women several times over. But every one of them is still alive the next day. My body count is literally zero. 

Nothing I do matters, not even when I kill people.

Day 714 

I’m on a plane to New Zealand. By the time it lands it should be tomorrow. 

Day 715

I opened my eyes. My alarm clock was ringing. It was six o’clock. I picked it up and threw it full force against the wall. 

I smiled when I heard it break into pieces. 

I don’t have a reason to get out of bed this morning. I threw my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. 

36000 seconds later 

I dropped my bag on the floor and took two beers from the fridge. 

Wait…

Day 717

I’m driving to work. I don’t remember getting ready for work, but here I am, going to work. 

I stop the car. 

40000 seconds later 

Day 722

I’m at a café with the homeless guy. We’re eating pancakes. My treat. 

What?

What happened to the last eight days? I was in my car and now I’m here. 

Day 767

The Tiktok babe claims to live in Houston. 

I don’t care! I don’t even know why I’d been looking at her profile again. 

My time is skipping. I’m losing hours… and days. 

Weeks!

I lived through entire days before, even when they were repeating. Now I’m appearing in different situations, still stuck on Thursday, and doing things that make no sense to me. 

Am I being punished for killing those girls? They’re still alive. All of them. 

Day 781

I don’t remember anything that happens during the skips but I know where I am, how much time has passed, and what I’m doing when I gain consciousness. 

Day 802

I’m in Houston.

As usual, I have no idea how I got here. Or why.

Houston is a two hour flight from where I live. I don’t know anyone in Houston except…

Right. 

And there she is. The big guy next to her must be her boyfriend. 

Why do they have knives? And why are they approaching me?

I don’t know what I did. 

Day 1006

Megan is in my bedroom. I haven’t seen her but I know she’s in there. I must’ve convinced her to come while I was in my zombie time-skipping mode. There’s a bulge in my right pocket. And it’s not because I’m happy to see her.

I pull the little box out of my pocket and open it.  It’s a wedding ring. A very expensive looking wedding ring. 

Why on earth would I buy this? Megan’s a great girl but I don’t want to marry her. 

Day 60000

I’m on a date with a guy. I’ve never done this before… as far as I know. 

He’s looking at me strangely. 

“What?” I ask nervously. 

“Why did you say that?” he asked. 

Oh boy.  Here we go. 

“What did I say?”

He took a moment to compose himself then answered, “You said heterosexuality is only for mortals. You don’t think you’re immortal do you?”

Day infinity 

Poor guy.  He thought I was a nut job. If only he could see me now. 

Day infinity 

Sad to report that after an infinite number of days the earth has not been struck by an asteroid or visited by aliens. The night sky also looks exactly the same, I’ve seen no supernovae or approach of Andromeda. 

The entire universe is stuck on repeat just for me. 

I’m special. 

Day infinity 

Not all infinities are created equal. 

An infinite number of 1×1×1 is smaller than an infinite number of 2×2×2.

You learn something new every eon.

Day infinity 

I prayed to God to fix my problem. He said he’ll put his best angels on it and normal service should resume shortly. 

Day infinity 

I’m not well. I can’t be around other people. I start crying out of the blue. 

Ennui is a motherfucker. 

Day infinity 

I’m at the office. Staring deadeyed at the computer. I wasn’t counting seconds. I didn’t want to. 

I blinked and felt a tear coming down my face. Then I closed my eyes. What’s the point? 

I don’t even dread where I’ll appear next. Just let it happen. 

“Hey,” I heard a female voice say. 

I looked up. It was Elaine. 

“Hey,” I replied, not bothering to wipe the tear.

“Are you okay?”

I could see genuine concern in her eyes. Did I really look that bad?

“Yeah,” I lied. “Why?”

“You were grimacing when you said ‘Hello!.’”

At least zombie Nick still greeted his colleagues. 

I nodded. I couldn’t hide my despair. I didn’t immediately reply. I was waiting for the skip. 

Seconds passed and it didn’t happen. 

“My life has been difficult of late,” I told her. 

She touched my face with her left hand. I tried to smile, don’t know if I succeeded. 

“I’m here if you need someone to talk to,” she said. “Even after work.”

I nodded again. “That would be great, “ I said. 

She smiled at me. I smiled back. Then she left. 

I couldn’t see my face but I knew my current smile was genuine. This was what I needed more of in my life. Connection. Genuine human connection.