My Roommate Is A Huntsman

I hate spiders. They are not my favorite. But, I also do not believe in killing them when I see them in my home. Or at least I did for a time. 

From an early age I was taught to not kill bugs. Only to remove them from the house in a fashion that would not harm them. This usually means taking a cup and a newspaper, capturing the creature, and then taking them out to a bush where they go back to their natural habitat. My mother was the one who insisted on that being the only way to handle unwanted guests in the house. My dad couldn’t care less, but still humored my mother when she was around. I always thought my mother was way too kind of a person for this, but I suppose that was okay. I just wish it didn’t apply to spiders. 

One day, I saw a black widow in the house. It freaked me out. Just looking at it made my skin crawl even though it would just sit there in its web doing nothing. I felt that at any moment it could see me as a delicious, big piece of meat that it could harvest on for years and then try to attack me. I know that that is not the case for any sort of spider, but it was that irrational fear that would sometimes leave me stunned frozen.  My mother would then see that there was a black widow in the house, pick it up with her bare hands, and then place it gently in the garden as if she wasn’t holding death itself. 

“See, there is nothing to worry about. Just remember that it’s more afraid of you than you are afraid of it.” My mother would say with a sweet smile on her face. 

My mom is nuts. 

I know for a fact that if she was ever bit by one of those things we would have to rush to the emergency room immediately to save her crazy ass. She’s a sweet lady and all, but I will never understand why she would think in such a way. While I failed to understand my mother’s love for these animals, I still complied with her and her madness. I guess it became a habit. 

After college I moved out to LA. It was there that I would run into all sorts of new crawly things that the city had to offer in my one bedroom apartment. Usually it would be a moth or a cockroach, something I didn’t sweat over. I would see them in my kitchen or my bathroom, and in the back of my head I would hear my mother: ‘Just remember that it’s more afraid of you than you are afraid of it’. So, I would take a cup from the cabinet and a nearby folder and gently remove the bug from my apartment. I usually dumped them into a bush down on the first floor before trudging all the way back up to the third, where my room was. It was tedious, but childhood compulsion is hard to break. Luckily, with all the bugs this place had to offer, I was just happy I didn’t come across a spider until a several months ago. 

It was a Monday morning during the winter. I woke up around seven like everyday before that to get ready for work. I was a bit hung over from the night before, and tried my best to get my head on straight as I wobbled my way to the bathroom. I turned on the shower, hoping that the steam would help my headache. I knew that wasn’t going to work though. I did have a good time at Karaoke. As I dried myself off I got to my bathroom cabinet and opened it. What I saw made me jolt back and stagger against my door. In my cabinet, sitting among the pill bottles, was a huntsman spider. It was only an inch long and its legs curled like branches of a dead tree. Eyes stared back at me knowingly, like it was measuring my next move. I swore under my breath and left the bathroom. I quickly put pants on and grabbed a cup from the kitchen and a folder. I ran back to the bathroom and looked at my open cabinet only to see that the spider was gone. It was on the move. 

“Where did it go?” 

I cautiously looked around the bathroom from outside the doorway trying to see where the damn thing went. I scanned the sink and the toilet and did not see any dead tree legs. The walls were all white and bare. Taking a peak at the tub I can see that it was empty and still wet from my shower. My sweat pants and white shirt were still on the floor. With a nervous, shaky hand holding a folder I poked the clothes to make sure the ugly thing wasn’t hiding. To my dismay, it jumped out and began to crawl quickly up the folder. I instinctively threw the stationary across the room before it could run up my arm. 

“SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!” 

I backed away, my eyes darting back and forth to try to see where the huntsman went. It crawled on the wall and stopped halfway to the ceiling. I held the cup up with the opening pointed towards the spider on the wall. I inch closer to it and it crawled closer to the ceiling. After a few steps, I was close enough to entrap the spider but I froze. My hand would not move in fear of the spider running away, or it doing something unpredictable. My heart beat out of my chest as fresh beads of sweat came down my temple. The last thing I wanted was for this stupid, one inch monster to jump on me. This was stupid, I’m a grown ass man freaking out over a spider. I decided to step back and put the cup down. The spider did not move. I picked up my toothbrush and toothpaste and left the bathroom slowly, keeping my eyes on the spider on the wall. 

“Fine, you win.” I grumbled, feeling pathetic. “You can stay for now. But when I come back I’m evicting you!” I declared while pointing at the creature.

I left and continued my morning routine before going to work. 

When I came back from work I inspected the bathroom again to find that the spider was gone. I hoped that it was gone for good and that was the end of it. Everything seemingly went back to normal, not skipping a single beat. In time I even forgot that there was a spider in my apartment. A week passed without any hint of spider activity. Not even a web could be found in the upper corners of the rooms. The fear had passed and I continued life as if the spider had never been there in the first place. But, I should have been more worried. I didn’t realize something at the time but there were some new developments. Some would call them positive developments. Throughout the apartment, there was a surprising lack of all other bugs.

In hindsight it made sense; spider enters the apartment, man fails to kill spider or remove it, spider kills all other bugs. That seems like a fair trade for some people. Cockroaches are very annoying so to find zero of them for weeks seemed like a blessing. I honestly didn’t think too much about it. I don’t think anyone would. I just kept on living, not knowing that there is probably a spider out there working around the clock pest control for my building. 

I should have left right then. 

Spring came.  The sun shone through the blinds of my room and I gradually got up. Something was different that morning. It was a smell. It was salty. Something was cooking. My eyes widened as a sudden realization came to mind; “I left the stove on!” 

I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen. There was a fire extinguisher underneath the sink, if I could just get to it in time I could put out the fire. I entered the kitchen. There was no fire. There was something cooking on the stove. A huntsman hung from the ceiling. The huntsman was undoubtedly different; It was maybe around fifteen inches long now. Brown hairs stemmed from all over its body. Two back legs kept itself steady on a suspended web as another two legs held a spatula. It flipped something on the stove top. 

I stood there trying to comprehend what I saw. It’s a spider, right? Why is it so big? Why is it cooking? Who taught it to do that? 

Blood left my veins as the spider slowly, menacingly turned its body towards me. Its upper torso thing lifted up in my direction and eight, black, soulless eyes locked onto me. I wanted to run but my legs would not move. I was a statue. Its fangs curled up. In an instant it seemed to shiver, legs sprawling out and waving in all directions. It was excited to see me. This had to be a dream. A nightmare. 

A soft, pitchy voice came from its maw. “Breakfast is ready!” 

Understandably, I fainted. 

When I came to, I was sitting in a chair at my dining table. A plate was placed in front of me on the table. Was that grilled cheese? Looking at the sandwich, I could tell a lot of care was put into making it. Gooey cheese melted between two, well toasted, pieces of white bread.  Green chives were sprinkled on the golden top as a garnish. I don’t even buy chives. Saliva gathered in my mouth due to the aroma of American cheese and butter filling my nostrils. However, the delight of smelling a well cooked meal was diminished by the horror that was before me. The huntsman hung on its web and stared at me. I stared back. I became motionless like a deer in head lights, or a fly in a web. 

“Are you hurt?” It asked in it’s pitchy voice. 

This thing was talking to me. And it made grilled cheese!

 “What?” Was all I could whimper out.

“Are. You. Hurt?” It asked. 

“I-” I licked my dry lips. “I think so.” 

A pause. I looked into its black eyes, unsure if I blinked this entire time. A moment later a long, hairy leg extended from the creature and nudged the plate towards me. 

“Eat,” It insisted.  

Every fiber of my body was telling me to get out of there, to run. ‘Would I even make it to my door in time before it has got me in its fangs?’ I wondered. My hand came up to the table and felt for the grilled cheese. I grabbed the sandwich and hesitantly took a bite. It watched me as I ate. To my surprise, and I’d hate to admit it, this was the best grilled cheese I’ve ever tasted. The bread was lightly salted and buttery, the cheese was thick and melted perfectly. There must have been four different types of cheese in this thing. They all blended together to create a fusion of flavor, sharp and savory. The cheese pull stretched so impressively far that I had to catch it with my mouth. The sandwich was gone in four bites. 

The creature never moved and its eyes never left mine. After I was done it continued to study me. 

“How was it?” It asked. 

Not sure of what to say to it, I chose to be honest. “That was good.” 

The creature was still. 

“Thank you, I guess.” 

The creature shook vigorously, all of its legs wiggled wildly as it convulsed in such a sporadic fashion. I tensed up. I thought to myself; ‘Great, it just fattened me up and now its going to eat  me!’ I closed my eyes expecting the worst, but instead the spider stopped shaking. I looked again, and this time it had four of its legs in the air as if it was praising the lord. 

“The secret ingredient is cheese!” 

I sat there in silence. 

“I will make more.” It said as it crawled up to the ceiling and to the stove. Legs frantically moved at such speed that it startled me. 

I got up from my chair, finally able to move, and motioned to the door. 

“NO, no I uh- actually need to head to work.” 

It looked at me from the ceiling and rubbed its feelers together. It was as if it was pondering something. 

“Sunday…” It said. 

Oh great, it owns a calendar. 

“That’s right, I have work on Sundays.” I did not. “I need to head to the office, sorry.” 

I grabbed my bag and my keys on the hangers next to my door and left without another word. I ran so fast even Usain Bolt couldn’t catch me. I left the apartments still wearing my pajamas and no shoes. 

Once I got away I quickly got my phone out (luckily I didn’t forget it), and called the management office for my apartments. I informed them that I had a very huge spider problem in my apartment. The person on the other end of the line started asking dumb questions.

“When did you start noticing the spiders?” a nasally, elderly woman named Barb asked.  

“It happened right now, right this second! I need you to take a nuclear bomb to my room until it is gone! Also, there was only one spider. One big, disgusting spider. Please call me back when it is done!” 

“Sorry, I will have to contact the maintenance office on Monday. They always take Sundays off. If it was only one spider why don’t you just kill it or take it out with a glass?” 

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?! THE SON OF A BITCH IS MORE THAN A FOOT WIDE!” I screamed into my phone. “I DON’T HAVE CUPS MADE FOR BIG FOOT, BARB!” 

“Well, there is no reason to be so rude. I’ll give them a call and the soonest they can spray your unit is Monday.” 

“How soon Monday?”  

“Usually they come in around eleven so they will be there by noon.” 

“That is not soon enough, Barb. Is there a way to expedite it? It’s an emergency.” 

“Oh honey, one spider is not an emergency. They will spray tomorrow at around noon and that is all I can do for you.” 

“Oohhhh! You don’t understand, Barb. It’s not just a spider, it’s a huntsman and it talks.” 

Barb hung up on me and I was left on the street wondering what to do next. 

For the rest of the day I stayed at a friend’s house. When they asked why I was out and about in my pajamas, I told them the truth. I told them that a giant huntsman spider made me a sandwich and talked to me. All they did was laugh. No one believed me. It didn’t matter. Maybe I was crazy, maybe this was all some sort of crazy realistic nightmare that bled into real life. Whatever it was, my next move was to wait until tomorrow to come and for noon to pass. I didn’t go to work, I just waited. 

Monday arrived and it was round one in the afternoon before I turned the key to my apartment. I could barely breathe the moment I opened my front door. I did not walk in right away, although I had a confirmation email stating that the maintenance crew came in and had sprayed the room twice. I didn’t know if that would be enough, but I had to see for myself. In the email there was no indication on whether or not they saw the giant huntsman spider. With all of that, I hope it’s gone and not simply hiding. That is what I’m afraid of.
I stepped into the room and made sure the door was wide open. I peered around to see if there were any abnormalities. I half expected to see the creature hiding in the closet or hanging from the ceiling again. As I looked over the room I saw zero trace of any spider had been there. I also noticed that my bed was made, the dishes were washed. Dust was gone from the shelves. The laundry was washed and neatly put away in my dresser. There was no spider, but it was as if a team of maids raided my room and cleaned every nook and cranny. Was this part of the maintenance service? They spray the room and then clean it? That was nonsensical. Someone was in my room. Something was in my room. If the spider can cook a perfect grilled cheese, could it also do dishes, make a bed, and fold laundry? Whatever it was, it should have been dead. Right?

“Welcome home.” 

A clatter of legs tapped on the wall as the creature made its way around to me. I froze still and did not move a muscle. The legs came from above and eight eyes met the two of mine. It smelled surprisingly fragrant as if it rolled around in tulips. Its hairs poked out in all directions and its feelers rubbed together in excitement. My lungs felt heavy and my heart was going a billion miles an hour. At any moment now I could faint again but I surprisingly held myself up. 

“How was work?” 

“Work?” I said, dry and horse like. 

It continued its stare. 

“Oh, yes. Work was alright. I managed to get all my assignments done on time.” 

It made a chattering noise that sounded as if it was chuckling. 

“That is lovely to hear.” 

Legs came up and the creature crawled to the kitchen. With its legs it opened the refrigerator and grabbed some ingredients. It took a glass from the cabinet and poured some juice into it. 

“Drink. I will make lunch.” 

Everything in my body was telling me to run. To get away from this overgrown monstrosity and move apartments. I did not know whether it would follow me or if it would try to kill me before I had a chance to leave. It’s obvious that the maintenance team’s spraying did not work. If it was to be killed it may have to happen by other means. I looked over and saw a broom near the closet. It was working on a grilled cheese on the stove, not at all paying attention to me. I thought of myself going over to the broom and swinging viciously at the thing until it stopped moving. It wasn’t until I had the broom in my hand that I thought of the apartment, or rather the state that it was in. The clothes folded and put away, the dishes washed, the bed made. A monster wouldn’t go out of its way to do all that, especially for a stranger. Even at that moment it eerily poured me a drink, welcomed me home, and is making me a grilled cheese. That grilled cheese before was the best I’ve ever had. In spite of all the potential dangers in trusting an oversized huntsman spider, I sat down at the table until the sandwich was done. 

“Was it you who made my bed? And folded my clothes?” I asked as it placed the sandwich on a clean plate. 

“Yes” 

“How did you learn to do all that? And to make food?” I asked. 

It came over and placed the sandwich in front of me. I carefully grabbed it and began to eat. The buttery, gooey goodness sent me to heaven once more. 

“I saw it on tv.” it stated as a matter of fact. 

“Makes sense…” It didn’t but I really didn’t know what to say. I chased the grilled cheese with juice and tried not to look into its eyes. 

“Well, I want to say thank you… for the bed, the clothes… and also the food.”

The spider hung from the ceiling in front of me. I saw it in my peripherals. It didn’t move much but responded. 

“No, thank you.” 

I turned to it with a quizzical expression. Why thank me? 

“You did not evict me. I will be a good roommate.” 

“Roommate!?” I said louder than anticipated. 

“Yes I cannot pay you, but, I can help with the bugs, the chores, and the food”. 

What was happening, I could not comprehend that well. For some reason this spider wanted to live here and offered to help around the apartment? This was madness. This would never work, clearly. I cannot have some giant spider in the apartment. 

“I don’t know if I can keep you…uhh” 

“Mary” 

“What?” 

“That is my name. Mary” 

“Mary. I see…” I took another sip of the juice. “You see, Mary, it’s just that… I don’t have enough room and…” I really tried to keep its fangs away from view, they were distracting. “ You see… I am not looking for a roommate at the moment. I cannot keep you here. I appreciate the food and the… Uh… help around the apartment but I cannot have a roommate.” 

It became quiet. It looked at me and then looked away. For the first time its eyes were not staring into me. Was it ashamed? Was it plotting my death? Did I say something wrong? 

“You are the first person to not try to kill me.”  

What the hell was it saying? I wanted it dead the first time I laid eyes on it. But, I guess I didn’t actually try to end its life. 

“I was hoping that if I did a good enough job that I could stay. I have no issues cooking you food or making your bed or folding your laundry.” 

“That’s not the issue…” I responded. It seemed that I was upsetting it. Why did I care? 

Not having cockroaches for a whole month was very nice. And the food was prepared very well. Though, I had a feeling that it only knew how to make grilled cheese. And I supposed it wouldn’t hurt to have someone do chores around here, lord knew I hardly do them. But, that would mean that my roommate would be a huntsman. Well, as you  can see from the title, that is what ended up happening. I don’t know if I felt bad or if I genuinely thought this was going to be a good idea but I gave in in the end. That would be my second mistake, the first being not killing it to begin with. 

“I guess I could let you stay for a little bit.” 

“Really? You mean it?” It turned to me and held up two very excited legs into the air. 
I winced because it looked as if it was ready to jump on me. It showed no concern in the fact that I was still terrified of it. I looked away and spoke next. 

“Only for a time. Think of it like a trial run. If you don’t do your part then I will have to evict you… got that” 

It wiggled the two legs into the air more frantically.  

“ I won’t let you down!” 

It jumped with incredible speed and crawled over to the kitchen to start on the dishes. 
I didn’t know then what the future had in store, and how it was so much worse than I could ever imagine. But for now all I knew is that I had a new roommate.